Stranger at the door.

There he was at the door.

I don't know how to feel about him anymore. When he was born I knew we would be the one to raise him. I wasn't ready. Lori and I were not married. We could not have provided him with any level of stability. When I found out he was born my first response was " When do we get him?” That wasn’t to be for another nine years. We were the cool aunt and uncle. The ones that took him places and tried to give some sort of normal childhood. What else was there to do? His birthmother was a useless, self-absorbed, neglectful, narcissistic addict and in my mind was a complete waste. That could not be said out loud of course. "She'll change now that she has a baby,” that was the voice of hope shouting in everyone's ear. Nine years later we have him. I would like to say that his birth mom at least fought for him but that would be a lie. We raise him. We try to be consistent. Her family said that taking him in was a Mitzvah. They also said that I was hard on him and mean and abusive. None of them stood forward, we got the “I would haves” and “I couldn’t take hims”.  So we had him and others felt there right to say something. Me and him started butting heads in high school, I look back and see that he may have been feeling his manhood. but he was making the stupid decisions and held a disrespectful attitude. I was the only one not falling for his shit and held him responsible for his actions. I have to admit that not growing up in a home with someone like him I had no experiences in how to cope or deal. I know I made mistakes. but for the all that time I have never felt I made a emotional connection to him. It always felt like obligation. One should never feel that you have to protect your family from the person who is your son. Since he has been kicked out of the military his presence has felt more intrusive and threatening. Like background theme music from a horror film. This underlying tension made me uncomfortable in my home. He was following a lot of the same behavior as his birth mom. The selfish attitude, an inconsiderate nature. He stopped spending time with us as a family. So after the course of more bad decisions he has semi moved out of the house. I do not feel good about him but he is my son good, bad or indifferent. I will look out for him because he won't do it for himself. Things are so much better and calmer and easier without him. so I am split.  We don't invite him to family events. The worst of it is that my daughter has taken all this in. The fights, the shouting, the punishments, the seething and animosity. She is his polar opposite in so many ways and I feel that she may not have gotten the attention the squeaky wheel demanded. I am happy that we can talk about it honestly and our relationship has improved. I love my family, but I don't like my son. Am I wrong, or am I human?

High point of my day: Watching Airplane with my wife and daughter. That movie is so Not PC it could never be made today. Made in 1980, it set the tone for a lot of comedy movies to follow.

Low point of my day: being unprepared at seeing my son at the door