Why is this night different from all other nights

So it has been more than a week since my last post. The worst lie you tell is the one you tell yourself. I believe that i will post when i can. maybe more maybe less. who can say.A lot of things have happened since my last post.
Saturday night  was the Seder at cousin Greg Cohen's house. it started out well, I saw the the people that i wanted to see. I had no friction with the people that I thought I would. I have been married into this family for about 25 years now and there are some that I haven't clicked with, and that is OK. This is my mother in law's side of the family,  Up until a few years ago, their Seder had been held in the house of her sister and husband. big beautiful house, table and food were always good. Their Seder was a little corny because it is interspersed with mangled show tunes with the lyrics changed to reflect the holiday. After her passing, Aunt Barbara's son Greg and his wife Nicole have stepped up to continue the tradition. All well and good. we were happy to be invited as there has been some previous friction generated regarding my son Claude. He did not come this year. This year's addition to the event was Lori's cousin Lisa brought her latest boyfriend and his kids. I enjoy Seders because it is a sharing of tradition and family. I try to to demonstrate respect for the tradition and the house I am in, so it irks me when people are incapable of doing the same. During the ceremony he ( I have so little respect for him that his name will not stay in my head) would make  crass jokes or be talking when we should have been silent. he was being loud and obnoxious in general. He asked me if I was raised Catholic, trying to connect with me. He was Old school Italian where it was perfectly acceptable to talk in stereotypes and make invasive racist remarks. He mentioned that he and Lisa were going further south and look into getting a farm. he wants to have chickens and goats. Whatever, he mentioned that the Irish and Italians had built this country up. I interjected that there had been a group that had been here before them although not voluntarily. Then the conversation spun around to how he liked to do stonework, and how his grandfather had taught him how to it. I said that my grandfather had taught me that as well. He replied with " What how to pick cotton?"
I did not rise to the bait. I calmly said " No, He taught me masonry,carpentry,electrical work, plumbing, landscaping, and oh yeah how to do stonework. Not like the breaking rocks you describe. Wait, isn't that what convicts used to do? That explains a lot" the whole exchange went over his head.
One of the unspoken rules of these gatherings is to never talk politics. So, once he said that he was Trump supporter we had to go. We never even had a chance to say good bye to Nicole.
Over the course of spring break it felt like I never really had the chance to take one.  Monday - did laundry and cleaning around the house. Tuesday - I helped Lliana move a refrigerator into her maker space. I had set myself up for that so I really can't complain, besides the crappy day there was good company and good food. Wednesday - went in to do my actual job. I ran around like a crazy person catching up on missed days. Thursday -  the electricians came to rewire the stairs so that both switches activate the light over the stairs. before he came I had to remove drywall from the hallway. then clean up after he left. Friday - back to my real job. Saturday - Claude my son was coerced into helping me put up new drywall. in the hall way. I am happy that he is out of the house. I know that may be a terrible thing to say but his anger and response to things are so different than the rest of us that it would raise the stress level of the house constantly. Sunday -  Joe and Jess came over to spend the day. Joe is more like my own brother than my own brother.  so I realize that I may need a vacation from my vacation.
Low point since last post:  Recognizing my daughter is selfish
High point: seeing Joe and Jess. I love them and enjoy myself when I am with them
What I learned: that my 'give a fuck' meter shrinks as I lose respect for them

Spring is here

Spring is here, spring is here. Life is skittles, life is beer. Or so the song goes. The day after the first day of spring  we had a snow storm. It was so bad that it closed school and work. Since the snow didn't start until late that night, the real snow day should have been the day after. Happy spring.
I can remember the last time I posted and right now I am doing it from my phone prior to the annual Passover trip south. I am torn by how I feel about this class. It is pulling out my poetry chops but I feel I am not working hard enough  and there are no real marker for success. I think that it is stretching me as a writer. I just have to write more. So here I am writing more. I cannot remember the last time I posted, but I know it has been awhile. there are a lot of things worth talking about, my daughter has found a good therapist to help her move forward with whatever issues she feels she has. so that is a good thing. I talked to my mom today. Another thing I have to do more of. she is doing well. 

I am in the state of Maryland for our annual Passover pilgrimage. this years so far the cats have not been that big an issue. but I miss my bed. Lot of stuff to do in the house. tear down drywall, get the electricians in then put up the drywall. Lots of things to do around the house, I would not mind the work but I feel I am alone in doing it. no one else wants to. one of the benefits of home ownership I guess.

So back to writing. I plan on writing and submitting a story told from to different points of view. the arresting officer and the arrestee. should be interesting  and worth while. I also have to find time to work on my poetry. there are bits in my note book that would be cool to finish and challenge  my self with. story writing should be simple, I come up with ideas all the time. I am just never in a position to write it down. I also do not people watch as much a used to. getting older and not getting around as much. maybe that is it. 

 I think I will skip the points  and what I learned this time until I get back on track. 

Let it Snow... Let it GO

Here we are again. I was coming into work today after a snow day. It didn't really hit until 12-14 hours after they said it would. Anyway I was noticing how surreal everything looks coated in white. It is hard to pick out even familiar land marks. so if everything was white what would you use for points of reference? shapes, they would be hard to pick out against a lighter colored sky. just a passing thought.

I have had a few story ideas bouncing around. like 'The mission' and the story told from two different perspectives. I need to get down to the writing. even though it has been awhile I don't have much to say here. maybe I will add more later. 

Two good people have broken up. he came to talk to me after falling of the face of the planet. he was devastated. He was blaming himself for all of it. a sentiment i can totally understand, but I fell that both parties are to blame. I am trying to find a way to talk to her without being biased one way or the other will try some time today after class.

Low point since last post: realizing that I have wasted days instead of doing my work
High point since last post: Things are finally coming together in our lives.
What I learned:  history does repeat itself

Heh ... Who Knew

I Am A: Lawful Good Human Ranger (7th Level)

Ability Scores:
Strength-18
Dexterity-19
Constitution-18
Intelligence-18
Wisdom-17
Charisma-17

Alignment:
Lawful Good A lawful good character acts as a good person is expected or required to act. He combines a commitment to oppose evil with the discipline to fight relentlessly. He tells the truth, keeps his word, helps those in need, and speaks out against injustice. A lawful good character hates to see the guilty go unpunished. Lawful good is the best alignment you can be because it combines honor and compassion. However, lawful good can be a dangerous alignment when it restricts freedom and criminalizes self-interest.

Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.

Class:
Rangers are skilled stalkers and hunters who make their home in the woods. Their martial skill is nearly the equal of the fighter, but they lack the latter's dedication to the craft of fighting. Instead, the ranger focuses his skills and training on a specific enemy a type of creature he bears a vengeful grudge against and hunts above all others. Rangers often accept the role of protector, aiding those who live in or travel through the woods. His skills allow him to move quietly and stick to the shadows, especially in natural settings, and he also has special knowledge of certain types of creatures. Finally, an experienced ranger has such a tie to nature that he can actually draw on natural power to cast divine spells, much as a druid does, and like a druid he is often accompanied by animal companions. A ranger's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.

Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

The girl can't help it

    I am sure that every father loves his daughter, and believes his little girl to be exceptional. I really think mine is. I have said before my daughter will let fear grip her to a point where she can't think. This is not to say she isn't  brave, just that she doesn't react well. I digress. MY daughter is awesome. She has a strong sense of justice. She has called her own grandmother out for saying something racist. She has defended people from bullies and hatemongers. She has marched on Washington, not because she was dragged there but because she knew and wanted to defend the issues. Did I mention how proud I am. Yesterday she was part of the school walk out, to support the students in Parkland Florida. She did well and took part in something bigger than herself. That is what I want for her, to always be bigger than herself. I know she has it in her, the hard part is to pull it out and have her do. She did miss an opportunity to march for march for our lives. She wasn't proactive. She expected Lori and I to take her to whatever march we were going to. I was disappointed, The idea was for her to lead the charge and find the place we were going to march. It may have been a miscommunications we will see. I know she can make change. I know that the world needs her and kids like her. It is just hard to wait for her to realize it herself.

No points
What I learned: my daughter needs to find her path and I can't take her there

Lemme 'Splain... No that would take to long. Lemme sum up

    It has been about a week since my last post, and I should be getting better at this than worse. I have been so distracted lately, just been Mr. procrastination. so I have to work on that. I will try to recap. a bit. My daughter has passed her driver’s test and is now licensed. I trust her more now but I still think she needs more time to be comfortable behind the wheel. She is cautious, and careful, so she will not try to exceed her limitations. She plays it safe. I guess that is good for most things in her life but she will be in college soon and the on to real life. She needs to be more adventurous. what is there to say. I am very proud of her. I have a cool daughter.

 My wife has made her decision to return to the classroom. The work maybe harder but she belongs there. She is a teacher, even when she is an administrator, she is a teacher and finds such joy in working with kids. Goal is for her to get to Thomas Edison High School. They have the resources and facilities that she wants. A maker space and a principal that she sees has the vision to bring making into the classroom. I have always trusted her vision. 

I think I know what it was that was distracting me all week, gaming. that evil monkey on my back. the need to escape into running a tabletop game. I swear my endorphin level must shoot through the roof every time I get the urge to play. I had bumped into Ryan and we had a long lunch. where we talked about gaming. I let him pick the genre, and he chose Sci-Fi. I had been thinking about a story in Spacemaster. but it sounded so much better as a campaign. that take all the pressure out of writing it because I am not doing it alone. and there is no actual writing, and yet I would have my story.

    The story I wanted to write and still may was Tara Velez an exceptional student was given the research of her favorite teacher and mentor Col. Daniel Dardanelle. he had a number of good leads to find the homeworld of the Sianetic Harbingers. The race that seeded the galaxy with life. she would hire a ship with an eclectic crew and over the course of their adventures beside finding evidence to the Harbinger homeworld they would also find clues to an imminent extra dimensional invasion or incursion (have to learn the difference) of the Vlathacna an ancient and powerful force that is going to conquer the known universe and make it their own. Lots of good stuff there. The framework is perfect for a campaign. I have the patron NPC if someone did not want the job. So I think I will do both. I will write it and steal Ideas from the campaign it may work. Time is up so it ends.

High point since last post: Ari got her license.

Low point since last post: Procrastinating my ass off

What I learned: My daughter knows some wonderfully useless trivia.

Back in the saddle ...

     It has been nearly a week since I have made an entry to this journal. I have to be the worst. My life is so busy being lived that I forget to document it. This is why I am so lazy with social media.

     So what thoughts have been rattling around in my mind?  This is the week I have to submit something for my creative writing class. The urge is to submit something original. However, if I can give them anything I wrote then I will give them a journal entry, as they are so unique and rare. The good thing that in my floundering and mental stress over the subject, I may have resolved some story issues as to what to do with certain characters and beginning a new story. Why not? I have not finished anything else. There is also the issue of the new poetry challenge. What to write about there. Later maybe. I do have one thing that has been bouncing around my head, the phrase "When Asked". It comes upas a catalyst for the response to the shootings in Parkland FL. It always starts

When asked. 

Will you continue to take money from people that defend the right for this type of weapon to be sold?

The answer was "Of course, I don't take money to promote someone else's message, donors buy into my agenda."

     It would most likely go on and on and I will probably submit it for my final group of work but unlike a lot of my work, it is not coming as freely as I want it to. Not sure what to do about that. I also want to work on a sci-fi story and a fantasy story. I have not thought about dominion in such a long time. I have an outline and I have some Idea of what I want the goals of the story. I think it is going to be the Originals questing up to, and defeating Queen Galacestrel Elysium. That would make a very good Fantasy story. The sci-fi story would be the incursion of the Vlathacna  during the fall of the Terran empire. Not bad ideas.  Just need the good characters. I am also going to try Techknight's origin. Though that may be as boring as shit.

    Well the good thing about this class is that it makes me write more often than not but have to keep up. Time to put on the adult pants and be serious about this. No procrastinating. Yeah that will teach me. 

Low point since last post: Recognizing I am procrastinating my life away.

High point since last post: Inspiration for new stories.

What I learned since last post: the older you get, the more maintenance you need

Wakanda forever

Forgive me; It has been a few days since my last journal entry but, life takes precedent.
     Friday was a typical day, slow on the helpdesk all morning. after lunch none of my tickets were available, because they were filming near and in the gym. It was kind of embarrassing walking into the athletics office an seeing it converted to a police station.  I left early and relaxed. I did some research and read news about the students from the Shooting on Parkland Florida. those kids are amazing. I hope they keep their energy going, it will be a long battle for gun restrictions.
     Lori and Ari went into the city to participate in a movie Create-a-thon sponsored by AT&T.  Ari, my now 18 year old decided that she wanted to work on her own and stay in the city for the weekend.
I totally respect the supervision and people she was with. This turn of events while throwing me off my schedule for the weekend, allowed me to have my wife alone in our house without kids. Win-win.
     Saturday, we  woke up and decided to see Black Panther. so much for a leisurely morning. I was but excited and disappointed with how hard it was to find a showing that was not sold out, but we did.  Rushed breakfast, picked up Lori's car from the shop, and out to the theater.
     Black Panther was the greatest movie I have seen in a long time. As a storyteller it was masterful. the plot was layered and very consistently tight. The visuals were outstanding. the cultural representation was on point. I can't wait for Ari to see it. after the movies Lori and I had a great lunch\dinner at the River Mill. Then ran some errands.
     Sunday I made love with my wonderful wife and went to see our daughter's film. She had an amazing experience. she wrote and directed it. she also acted in it but not as the main character. Her team had turned it in late, so they were not eligible for any of the prizes and it was not shown during the presentation. It is titled "BE" It is very good and could've been a contender for the prize. Ari was not put out, she was in it for the experience. I am so proud of her.  All in all an empowering weekend.

Low point of the weekend: Friday sitting at the Desk in total boredom.
High point of the weekend: so many. spending quality time with Lori, seeing Black Panther, my daughter growing up and being more independent. Ari's film.  Best weekend in a long time.
What I learned: My daughter will be just fine

This... is my boomstick

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."
  This is the Second Amendment of the United States Constitution. It is interpreted as the constitutional right to own a firearm. I don't think of gun ownership as a right but a responsibility. I am not against people owning firearms. I just would prefer to see firearms owned by responsible people. These are some of the reasons I feel that you should not be licensed to own firearm.
If during the course of your background check the following is true;
You are under that age of 21
You have committed a violent crime with a firearm.
You have committed a violent crime that has caused injury to others
You have been diagnosed with a mental illness that can diminish or otherwise affect your judgement.
You have been diagnosed with a mental illness that can cause you to be a danger to yourself or others
You are legally incapable of obtaining a drivers license.
You have been arrested for 3 or more DUIs within the span of a year.
You are incapable of waiting three days before taking possession of a firearm.
You are under probation or have committed any crime within five years of being released from prison.
You have not completed a gun safety course. 

These are the conditions that come immediately to mind. You would need a license or an addendum to your driver's license renewed every 5 years in order to purchase a firearm.   I don't think that is unreasonable.
  Regarding types of firearms that should be available to the public, any semi-automatic weapon that can be modified to be fully automatic should not be available.  There is no reason anyone other than the police or military should have necessity to use these weapons. Weapons should be licensed to their owners
 Bottom line, guns kill. It is what they were designed to do. Just like you would want to have an operator's license for a large truck to be more comprehensive that for a car, I think you would want the same level of education for someone who possess any easy to use dangerous device. you have to be licensed to handle explosives after a training and safety course. That does not vary from state to state, why should firearm licensing?

These are some of the firearms owned by a friend of mine, He is to me the model of a responsible conscientious firearm owner. all the times I and my children have fired his weapons, safety has been at the forefront. I would never dream of taking any of this away from him. He would also be the first to say that not everyone should own a gun. The standard should be quality of owners not quantity.

Low Point of my day: Having a chronic stiffness in my neck that didn't allow me to feel safe while driving.
High point of my day: sharing and celebrating my daughters 18th birthday. 
What I learned today: After seeing an exhibit at the Cooper-Hewitt museum I learned a lot about different types of design. 

Hugs all around

    There are very few people that know where there place in life is. some think that it is to be rich as humanly possible. or great artists. or some other grandiose ideal versions of themselves. I figured mine out a while ago. I am happiest when I help people. Especially my family, and mostly my wife. I took the day off of work to support her. I love her, I love what she does. Any way I can help her succeed I am more than happy to do.  So I like helping people. 

    Guns, guns, guns, it is the hot topic of conversation these days. I feel that I should weigh in, it's my journal anyway. The Second Amendment of the Constitution states:

     A well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed

    The lobbyists and the NRA really concentrate on the second half of that for their argument about owning fire arms. In my mind the first part is just as important. "A well-regulated militia" could be seen as the national guard stationed in each state. if it was just the military that were allowed to bear firearms the amount of gun violence would be greatly reduced. this may not be a solution but this has worked in other countries England and Japan. Something to look at here in the U.S.A.

Low point of the day: waking up with a stiff neck.

High point of the day: Helping my wife transport her materials to her office. we had good pizza in the car and got to spend a little more time than most days allow.

What i learned today: Japanese police instead of shooting or tasering a hostile or belligerent suspect will pacify them by wrapping a large blanket around them.

Just a bit of the old fanfic

I wrote this right about when Marvel got the rights to the X-men back. Just something that came out.

Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters

Alexander Ramsey knocked on the large wooden door.  He ran his hand slowly over the carvings trying to get a feel for the wood.  The telepathic voice of Charles Xavier shook him from his daze ‘Come in Alexander’

‘Charles,’ He said as he stuck his head into the large office. “I wanted to thank you for letting me study the Shi’ar tech’ he continued to walk into the office. It is really amazing, how efficiently it handles the complexity of creating environments is incredible.” He paced back and forth excitedly in the office.

Charles Xavier, his brow furrowed in concentration, was focused more on the monitor on his desk than the young man pacing in his office. “Good “

“Good, good she was wonderful,” He said. “The A.I., “he stopped and turned towards Charles at his desk “you did know she was an AI? “ He waved his hand dismissively “The AI did have some protocol issues. Her directives stated that she was to beat the X-men, but after a good long discussion about what purpose was. We agreed that her directives be changed to training. So you dodged a bullet of cascading logic there” He plopped down into the chair in front of the desk. “And you have hardly heard a word I said.” He glances toward the back of the monitor reading the video signals. “How did it go?”

Charles turned away from the screen and let out a heavy sigh “Not as well as I would have liked. Weeks and weeks of congressional hearings and very little has changed. The Genetic Census act will be presented to Congress next week and there is nothing we can do about it. I have tried every argument I could think of to no avail. The issues in currently in the hands of the system.”

“Did you really try everything Charles?” he said raising an eyebrow.  “I mean here you are, Charles Xavier, the most powerful telepathic mind on the planet and you could not sway a few politicians?” Alex crossed his arms and leaned back in the chair. “I’m not even talking about out and out control, just a few nudges here and there to get your points across.

Charles was taken aback, he had been tempted to push those that were on the fence and curtail the committee members that did not see his side of things but his judgement about his abilities had never been questioned. “That would be a misuse of my abilities; you of all people should understand that it is not that simple. In the long term someone would see that, people had been tampered with, and that would just confirm everyone’s fears of a great mutant conspiracy. I believe that right now we have to leave the decision in their hands.”

“I do understand their fear of us Charles. That is what worries me.  When the act passes, and it will pass. That fear with the law behind it will allow people to be randomly tested for the mutant gene.” Alex rubbed the bridge of his nose in frustration.  “We both know that is what the ‘Genetic Census’ is really about.”

“Yes, Yes I know.” He said rolling his wheelchair around the desk, and towards the door “Now I have some work to do Alexander, I am pleased that the Danger Room is running properly and I appreciate that you want to be active.  Please send Scott in if you see him.”

Alex took this as his cue to leave “Well thank you again Charles,” he stood and shook Charles’ hand. “Please let me know if there is anything at all I can do to help. He turned and walked through the door closing it behind him.

    I put that there as a filler it is late at night and I really could not come up with a decent journal entry. Doing this journal has me examining my day very critically. like being in social media I am more into how I will talk about my day instead of having one. HMMMPH!

    My daughters girlfriend dumped her. This not a problem I could solve. If it was I don't know how. this fall in the purview of my wife she can connect more emotionally then I can. my little girl is wallowing in it. any thing that might distract her or help her regain some sense of worth she negate utterly. I think this is part of her living in fear. 

High point of the day: puttering around the house with low stress

Low point of the day: see my little girls heart broken\

what I learned today: I can't fix everything

Fear is the mind killer

    There was a school shooting in Florida this past week. It like many other things cause conversation in our household. One of the children at a rally held regarding gun control had made an impassioned speech about calling those currently in power on their bullshit. I totally agree with what she said. Weak firearm legislation put guns in the wrong hands and people’s lives at danger. My daughter is extremely empathetic regarding the dangers around her. She is well aware of the various ways and means of how people can hurt her or her friends. The way she describes it, it is a crippling fear. Fear that the car looking for parking that has circle the block may be a kidnapper or worse. Fear that the person leaning on the corner watching the school may be up to something unwholesome. Fear that other cars on the road will crash into her if she doesn't react correctly. My daughter seems to live her life with this constant underlying fear. she internalizes what happens to others and assumes the worst case scenario.  I had never hidden the dangers of the world from her, but I have never exaggerated them either. I had hoped that she would develop a level of situational awareness that would help to keep her safe. That we were teaching her how to assess the environment around her and know what if anything needs to be done. I may have failed. There are a lot of reasons my daughter would be negatively interacted with, her gender, her skin color, her size, her sexual orientation. The powers that be did her no favors but give her intelligence. Intelligence is a tool that I don't think I have had her use properly. Over the course of her life I have said and demonstrated many platitudes. That when you hold on to fear you can't think, you react. At that point you are consumed with all the bad things that could happen and how can it get worse. With fear on the brain you are not looking for solutions, or taking care of yourself you are frozen not knowing what to do.  This make me worry about her well-being. For a father that is never a good thing. I don't know what to do. 

    About the speech, my wife asked Ari to watch the speech, and my daughter got upset that she had seen a lot this before and that there was nothing being changed and she wanted to take a break from the pressure of being scared.  She wound herself up to a point where she felt threatened and was almost hysterical. she had worked herself to a state where she was unreasonable and defensive. Lori and I continued the conversation, we were told that we were being rude. In trying to understand where she was coming from the above hypothesis formed. That my daughter lives in fear. I told her that all information is useful you can't say you have already heard something until you heard it again. Over the course of my life I have developed a credo or philosophy. Information gives you knowledge, knowledge give you options, options give you opportunities. I tell her that you cannot complain about something without a solution in mind. I am going to try to help her. Find her a good therapist. She has not had good experiences before but with age come maturity and goals. we will find one that helps her meet her goals. I love my Daughter

High point of the day: Watching a movie with my wife eating ice cream

Low point of the day: Seeing my daughter work herself up into a frenzy where she can't think. 

What did I learn today: The gun laws in the state of Florida are way to lenient

Stranger at the door.

There he was at the door.

I don't know how to feel about him anymore. When he was born I knew we would be the one to raise him. I wasn't ready. Lori and I were not married. We could not have provided him with any level of stability. When I found out he was born my first response was " When do we get him?” That wasn’t to be for another nine years. We were the cool aunt and uncle. The ones that took him places and tried to give some sort of normal childhood. What else was there to do? His birthmother was a useless, self-absorbed, neglectful, narcissistic addict and in my mind was a complete waste. That could not be said out loud of course. "She'll change now that she has a baby,” that was the voice of hope shouting in everyone's ear. Nine years later we have him. I would like to say that his birth mom at least fought for him but that would be a lie. We raise him. We try to be consistent. Her family said that taking him in was a Mitzvah. They also said that I was hard on him and mean and abusive. None of them stood forward, we got the “I would haves” and “I couldn’t take hims”.  So we had him and others felt there right to say something. Me and him started butting heads in high school, I look back and see that he may have been feeling his manhood. but he was making the stupid decisions and held a disrespectful attitude. I was the only one not falling for his shit and held him responsible for his actions. I have to admit that not growing up in a home with someone like him I had no experiences in how to cope or deal. I know I made mistakes. but for the all that time I have never felt I made a emotional connection to him. It always felt like obligation. One should never feel that you have to protect your family from the person who is your son. Since he has been kicked out of the military his presence has felt more intrusive and threatening. Like background theme music from a horror film. This underlying tension made me uncomfortable in my home. He was following a lot of the same behavior as his birth mom. The selfish attitude, an inconsiderate nature. He stopped spending time with us as a family. So after the course of more bad decisions he has semi moved out of the house. I do not feel good about him but he is my son good, bad or indifferent. I will look out for him because he won't do it for himself. Things are so much better and calmer and easier without him. so I am split.  We don't invite him to family events. The worst of it is that my daughter has taken all this in. The fights, the shouting, the punishments, the seething and animosity. She is his polar opposite in so many ways and I feel that she may not have gotten the attention the squeaky wheel demanded. I am happy that we can talk about it honestly and our relationship has improved. I love my family, but I don't like my son. Am I wrong, or am I human?

High point of my day: Watching Airplane with my wife and daughter. That movie is so Not PC it could never be made today. Made in 1980, it set the tone for a lot of comedy movies to follow.

Low point of my day: being unprepared at seeing my son at the door

Allow me to introduce myself...

I am really over thinking this journal. How it is to be this formal record of my thoughts, feelings, and experiences. 

I was just thinking of how my life is. I have a good job, a great marriage, a beautiful wife and daughter. My adopted son is an issue but I don't think it will be one any longer. What defines a person? Is it the thing he owns or the people he or she surrounds themselves with? Are you a reflection of your surroundings? When I haven't seen someone for a while and they ask me How I am doing, I talk about my wife or my daughter. they are worthy subjects and I am very proud of them both. I love them but I get the feeling that I am not as important. that I am just here to support them. Is that what defines me? Am I the support guy? I like solving problems, I don't seek out the spotlight I like for my people to be taken care of. It's what I do in my job it's what I do at home. if I am not doing for someone I feel I could just sit and watch the world. I used to people watch a lot when I worked in the city. now I come home check on my wife, check on my daughter, go down to my basement (Man cave) and do things that mostly waste time. That is the reason I decided to go back to school, to figure out who I am to be me in a setting where no one is depending on me to resolve their issues. this is my sixth term back and I am losing motivation I don't really care what I major in. Sometime I believe that formal education does not meet my goals the way I would like. my goals are fluid. some days I want to learn how to edit movies, use a 3d design app, how to build better electronic devices. I think that I am very eclectic in what I want to learn. I love to learn but the formal learning can get tedious. 

but I was rambling about Identity. (capital I) I know a lot of things about myself. I am intelligent. It is my nature to assess everything around me all the time. I don't think it is conscious act anymore. so when I see someone do something I try to understand why, not just how. I am very good at compartmentalizing things. I rarely panic. I am not a passionate person. but I love my wife and family totally.  I think of myself as a true OG (Original Geek) Comic books, Tabletop Role Playing Games. Sci-Fi, Fantasy. I am very old school in my nerdom. these are some of the things I know about me. I endeavor to inform when I speak and there is no better conversation than when knowledge is exchanged and both parties have learned something new. 

High point of my day: Knowing that the Movie "Black Panther" has been released. and the significance it holds.

 Low point of my day: Sitting at the help desk with nothing to do for almost two hours straight.

Start at the beginning

This term I have enrolled in a creative writing class. I have to keep a journal. i should have started this about a weekend a half ago. but I never have been good at these and I really didn't plan on how I was going to do this.

So today I start. Better late than never. 

High point of the day, I had class and I read my Ode to Polyhedral dice. it was goofy but it means that I don't have to be nervous about who I am and what I write about.  I don't know where else to go so I am going to end here.

Once more with feeling

It has been more than a year since I posted anything to this blog. Mostly that the initial purpose for the blog was to dramatize my No Man's Sky game. That didn't turn out well. I posted a response to the presidency (regime) of Donald J. Trump. That was a primal rant to relieve stress than anything else. So now I have this space, to write what I want, even if nobody ever reads it.  I am going to try to post something often, my writing, my rants, my geeky observations and so forth. just for the purpose of...
So, Once More with Feeling