I love my mom

Just some things I need to work out.

     I went to Georgia to visit My mother after many years of just communicating over the phone or texting. Part to the reason is the My cousin and sister also live in and around Atlanta.. My cousin has had some issues in caretaking my mom. she has had the resources my sister an I haven't,  and she has done an amazing job. handling finances driving her around to her medical appointments, making sure she has what she needs. Like my mom my cousin wants to retire and pass these responsibilities to some one else. I live in New York and do not have the same resources the my cousin does. My sister I think is in a bad position. She works at her job, is trying to get her own thing up and running, while caretaking her husband who is gravely ill. She is burning herself out to the point that she is getting sick herself. My cousin has made inferences that my mother is not able to handle her own life, that she needs monitored care. At 83 my mother has trouble with driving, she repeats portions of conversation and stories, her short term memory is starting to get spotty, otherwise she seem to be in good health and with some prodding can handle her affairs. I think the best I can do is be consistent in my conversations with her. She lives by herself, doesn't go out much, does not have people over often, but does occasionally go to the senior center and tries to support local politics. she has never been a social person but the amount of time she spends alone may not be good. I don't like not knowing what I can do to help. I guess just be there and be available. I do not know my cousin or now even my sister as well as I thought. our lives have drifted apart. they have had experiences and moments that have shaped the in ways that i could not possibly be aware of. the young people that we were are very different than the adults that we are now.  I feel that I am being managed by my cousin to see my mother in a certain light and to back her decisions. I know we all feel that our parents a immortal and all knowing but I lost that shade a long time ago. My mother is getting old and so is her interaction with the world. Driving appears to be the biggest issue. The mental processes involved in drivng can be daunting when it becomes harder to juggle all the input necessary, so she drives slower and does not handle change as fast. Did I mention that she is 83. 

    During the visit we talked about lots of things, family, life, religion, and politics. Politics is where she brightens up be cause that is how she is wired, while she was repetitious on some points, she was very clear and in the conversation, She told me about some things that I have not heard before. and some things that will always come up to talk about. the issue does not seem as bad as my cousin make them out to be. My mom is getting old and she is slowing down in places, but she seems to be handling things ok. 

    I love my Mom. she has had an incredible life and has done her share of making the world better. I think she raised me to be a good man, a good person. I am proud that she is my Mom and I am proud to be her son.

Why can't Billy read?

  Another part of the assignment I had to do.

    In the days before memes, there were catchphrases that were easy to remember and kept ideas and questions in the public discourse. I can remember the above question for almost as long as I have been alive. It was a call to arms about how public school systems were failing our children. 

 For more than 40 years the public education system had been under fire for a state of declining achievement.  The arguments and solutions have been compelling, numerous and to relative degrees.. effective. 

Study Finds Declining Student Achievement, Increased Harm to School Choice Since Common Core

    I mean our society has not fallen into a state of illiteracy. Our businesses still run, new innovations are made, things get written. Our society is chugging along just fine. 

    Is the issue of "declining achievement is schools" a social problem? before you can answer that question there are so many that come before it.  When was the high point of student achievement? who sets these benchmarks? Have they been consistent? If some one is going to make a claim about this being a social problem. That is the best place to start.

 There a quite a few organizations that work to define academic school success. many of them are funded by the government. 

National Center for Educational Statistics

U.S. Department of Education - Data & Statistic

I personally think that student achievement and an effective education is a social issue that needs to be addressed. I believe that a good education would help resolve so many other social issues. It could be that it's not getting the press it deserves, or our society has never thought of it as priority.

Let's find out why.

Those in the know

I was doing a project for school about a Social issue that was not prevalent in the media stream. It was for a class I did not complete, so I am moving the work from another Blog to reclaim it.

"Declining achievement in education" Is a social problem. Without even getting to the subject itself, there are many questions that need to be asked. Who is making these claims? Whose metrics and data do they go by? Lets dive into the second question first.

    Everything you every wanted to know about Education in America including the things you didn't know to ask about Fall under the auspices of the U.S. Department of Education.

    The Mission statement of the U.S. Department of Education is "Our mission is to promote student achievement and preparation for global competitiveness by fostering educational excellence and ensuring equal access." The original Department of Education was created in 1867 to collect information on schools and teaching that would help the States establish effective school systems. The current Department of Education was created in 1980 by combining offices from several federal agencies. ED's 4,400 employees and $68 billion budget are dedicated to:

• Establishing policies on federal financial aid for education, and distributing as well as monitoring those funds.
• Collecting data on America's schools and disseminating research.
• Focusing national attention on key educational issues.
• Prohibiting discrimination and ensuring equal access to education.

This organization has been providing data regarding this issue for more than 150 years. They are the best source for anyone making claims regarding declining achievement.

It's been awhile

    I have been reading over some of my previous posts and I am once again inspired to put fingers to keyboard. It has been more than 10 months since my last post and  things have happened.. Not so much to me of course, I trudge along. Well, something did happen to me. A couple of months after my last post on November 11th (Veterans Day) I was diagnosed with shingles. It was all over the left side on my face including the eye. When I tell people, they talk about the pain, how much it must have hurt, etc.. For me the experience was just annoying and inconvenient. The most painful part was the light sensitivity. It had kept me out of work for more than 6 weeks, That is the longest that I had been out of work due to illness. I kept extending the time I was out every week. I had used up so much of my sick leave. and there was paperwork that needed to be done, other options so I did not have to use all of my sick time. I didn't know about any of it.. The worst part for me was that because of the light sensitivity I could not look at a screen or be outside driving because I was functionally blind. So, no phone , no TV. and No computer, the area was very sensitive, I could not sleep well because I could feel the dust hitting my face So all in all a very unpleasant experience. I am mostly over it now. There are some lingering symptoms, my left eye gets blurry and has constant dry eye. That side of my face is still sensitive regarding pressure. Not much else has happened to me since then. Still working at the Help Desk or Helpdesk (However you use it) Ari is using the Minivan and I am driving the Subaru Outback.. I am not crazy about this car. I have been driving it for nearly two years and have yet to find a comfortable way to drive. I will admit that is still is holding on to it's new car ride but I think that the position I am forced to hold my arm in is going to do damage.

    I hit my 20 years of working at Queens College. after a little research I am not eligible to retire until my birthday in 2024. That is ok, I plan to be there another 7 - 10 years. I have loans to pay back and a mortgage to pay off. Lori plans on doing the same. I haven't gone back to school yet. I think I am at thte point where I have to declare my major. maybe Sociology. I really don't know. I am sure that if I choose a specific subject I will become less motivated and not finish.

Best of my absence -  Me and my family are still doing well and chugging along

Worst of my absence -  contracting a illness and not being prepared. 

What have I learned - Communication is everything.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

    I am sure this has happened to many of us, sometimes you lose track of friends. A forgotten phone call or email, what is the big deal? right ? The odd thing I have noticed about friendships is the longer the relationship the longer the gaps in communication. Case in point. My best friend ever, Joe. I have know him for more than 40 years and he is closer to me than my own brother. There was a time when we didn't communicate for close to 8 years. Not for any negative reason other than we were living our lives and if we had needed to we would have just picked up the phone. when I had called him after all that time, the first thing he said was "Good to know you are still alive" there were a lot of harsh feelings. He had needed me and I wasn't able to be reached. My mom had not forwarded any of his communications. We then caught up with each other for the next 4 hours. Other than the new things we had to share with each other, we just fell into the old rhythm as is we had talked to each other yesterday. We now talk 2 - 3 times a month. he is one of my kid's godparents and I cherish our relationship. I count myself lucky that we were able to renew it.

    My luck ran out. I was recently talking to someone about the Army as it was vs. the Army as it is and in talking about my experiences Maddie came up a lot.  It had been a while since I had reached out to her. I think it was sometime at the beginning of quarantine in spring of 2020. we had caught up a bit, laughed at some old jokes, and exchanged "keep safes" I have recently found out that she had died. Almost two years ago in Nov 2020 she was killed by her own son Tyler James. Sadly my first thought was "Tyler, No!!" My next though was completely selfish in that "What kind of friend am I to not know, to not have been in her life"  She was in a large way a part of the life I have now. 

    I met Madeline Easterwood at Fort Devens, Massachusetts. we were both in the Army. I had been in for two years as a reservist, Maddie had just come out of Basic Training. we were both there to be trained in our new military specialty. It was a 60 week course and she was in the cycle behind ours. The first thing I noticed about her were her eyes. They were this piercing blue and focused on everything she looked at. she also had the sweetest smile. Our cycle had been whittled down from 15 to 3 by this time so we would march to school with their group. In the Army you tend to make fast friends. At the very least you can quickly learn about people because everybody is missing home and you are starving to make new connections.  Maddie and I it seems new each other for ever or at least is seemed like it. we were both big Sci-Fi fantasy geeks and we both loved Tabletop Role playing games. I ran her in a few sessions between study times. we got to be fast friends, after a while I had even developed a bit of an attraction to her. but when I told her She didn't feel the same way. I expected it to be awkward between us, but it never did.

When I was assigned to Korea I thought that like all my friendships in the military, it would be a few letters back and forth and then on to new things, She wound up stationed in Korea as well with her new husband. It was nice, I felt like a big brother showing her around. She was assigned to my team and mission with her was always fun. She and her husband John paid for my plane ticket to get home and get married. Best wedding present ever. They attended the bachelor/wedding party when I got. back.

After we had both left the Army and I was back in New York and she was in Virginia we kept in touch monthly. visited each other once in a while. eventually our lives took precedent and calls were few and sporadic. I would think of her often, and not follow thru in contacting her.  The quarantine hit and like most people I wanted to check on the people I cared about far and near, so I reached out. That was the last time I spoke to her. 

I miss her but I have our shared times and they were always good. she always had a smile for me and my fam when we visited and her oldest, Heather Quinn Warr grew to be beautiful and wonderful person. 

Thank you for the memories and the love "Thumper" You always be missed and you will always be remembered.

Oh shit, I'm tall

     Recently, for the umpteenth time I was asked how tall I was. I had responded more than 6 feet. The woman sighed and said “ I wish I was that tall”. I blame my answer on how tired I was, I told her “ No, you don’t”. While the concept of reaching things most people can’t is a definite plus, there are the negatives that people don’t think about. The world does not fit you. I am not just talking about clothing. Having to find special stores or departments that may or may not have something that fits your not "off the rack" body shape is difficult enough. Most big and tall shops will work if you are tall or if you are big, not both. But who has to make sure cars and furniture fit you. Overall the world is more expensive to you as a whole simply because you take up more space in it. At amusement parks you see signs that say you must be this height to ride this ride but the sign does not have a line that say you must be below this height to fit in the seat without breaking your knees. Besides the physical issues of being tall there are the social issues. Tall children are expected to be more mature, responsible and behaved.  Back to the physical aspects as a child how fun is it to slide down a pole when you are less than a foot away from the bottom? Or be too tall to enjoy some of the newer play areas because you can't fold yourself into the enclosed places. I do not understand why people are comfortable enough to approach me and ask  a personal question about my height but would feel insulted if I ask about their weight. I am a tall black male. That is three for three on the law enforcement "fear for my safety" list. this can also mean that people make assumptions as to who I am. That I will react more with my fists that with my head. My grandfather was not a small man. He had taught me about the comfort of big men. That we had nothing to prove to anyone but ourselves. It was his take on “With great power comes great responsibility”. I have always taken that to heart. People have made the assumption that I am a danger to children just by sitting in the park watching my kids play. That may be more that I am black than tall so I am digressing. Now the question is How tall am I? 

I am:

6'6"

78 inches

2.1666 Yards

2 meters

19.5 Hands

~3.9 Cubits

What I learned since last entry: No matter how well you know someone, communication is very important to a relationship.

Best thing since last entry: I am learning to motivate myself and get things done but is still a slow process.

Worst thing since last entry: Realizing that as much as you want to help, there are things that you can't do and that can be frustrating.

 

Long, long time ago

     What object is evocative for me. Its there something that makes me reminisce about the past that draw up different memories at different times. There is music. Certain songs bring good memories and stories I want to tell but mostly good memories. Can songs be counted as evocative they are not tangible but the words the lyrics when written can be evocative. I not sure what the word means anyway. Its it something that pulls nostalgia from you? Something that make you think of something not related to the object that stirred the memory? If so I have to go with music. The first song that comes to mind is “American Pie” by Don Mclean. Different parts bring up different memories. Anytime, among my friends if in conversation someone says it was a long time ago or something to that effect we start singing. I think about all the places we sang it. When we sang it , who we sang it with, what happened when we sang it, who we will never sing it with again. That song is part of the soundtrack of my life.

Skipping Highs and lows 

Into the Future

    I had a one on one with my manager's manager. Our org chart is pretty flat but she is definitely above me on the food chain. we Talked for a while about the projects I am working on, how my job is, what else is going on in my life that may effect my work. How life in general is  I vented a little I don't think I said anything bad, the people I was talking about are retired or just gone. What ever my opinions are, were I don't feel that they are all that bad. maybe I am a little burned out. All in all iit went well. Until , she asked me what my career goals were. 

    I was little put out. I told her I really had not thought about them. I have maybe 10 years left at Queens college before I retire. I have already been here 19 years in roughly the same position. I have had the same job line title since I stared. I have watched 4 CIOs come and go during my time here at QC. I have applied for other positions and other responsibilities, I have been passed over and rejected regarding them all. I am a bit mad that in some of those cases I had been held back. At some point I just decided to keep my head down and do my job.  To find challenges, I after much cajoling went back to school to hopefully get my bachelors degree in something, . 

Back to career goals, lately I have ben getting into the habit of defining exactly what I am looking to do. I googled (that is a verb?) career goals in IT. I got a decent answer as well that was open enough to give it a lot of thought. the top four career goals for IT exactly what I thought for any job. 

    Improve yourself. This usually means learn a new or work to improve a work related skill or tool. It can also mean do something that will improve your self like go back to school. get healthier, or find a hobby to cut down on stress. These things will help with job production. I am already trying to take better care of myself. I am back in school working towards my degree. 

Start a business. I don't want to hang my IT shingle out. I get enough work without going out on my own. And that would be a big step that I am not prepared to make. Maybe after I retire i can do things that I like to do to make some additional revenue  

    Aim for a promotion- I don't know what else to do. I tried to get to other departments but none of them really interest me.   I may be gun shy as I had tried to alter my course and was shot down everywhere I tried.

    Aim for management. This would be the best option but that would be totally out of my control and comfort zone  The position has to be advertised. I will be passed over though because I am still working on my degree.

     I have never been particularly ambitious  . My career goals have been do a good job. complete the project. keep the user up and running. I applied to job opportunities when available. we had initially talked about it and a lot of the answers i gave her were pretty much on track. I am getting tired time to wrap up.   

High point of the day: It was a very productive day, it feels like I solved some problem and had a nice dinner with Lori.

Low point of the day: feeling like I am not in tune with my English class.

What I learned today:: patience and a good work ethic can yield unexpected rewards                                                                                                                                            

Things are "Looking Up"

If you stepped in the depths of this paper you would barely get your feet wet.

    I recently was watching a movie on Netflix called “Don’t Look Up.” The movie stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Jenifer Lawrence as two astronomers that discover a comet that will hit and destroy the Earth. It is a satire about who and what our priorities are in American society.  The astronomers try to do the right thing and tell the proper authorities. Some of them are incompetent or do not take the threat seriously. The President a true politician in that she is in office to get elected again, is played by Meryl Streep. Her plan is to hold off on the news until it can better help her politically. The media hands the astronomers to the morning talk shows that trivialize the news because that is what keeps their audience watching, one of the astronomers buys into their own hype and rides the catastrophe for fame instead of informing the public.

    While I was incredibly entertained and enjoyed the movie completely, it did flip my cynic switch. Everybody, no matter what consciously or subconsciously has their own agenda, In the case of “Don’t Look Up”, you would think that a cataclysmic, extinction level threat to humanity would have us working together, altruistically for a solution.  Not so in the movie, like everyone else, one of three things motivate the characters. Fear, Greed, or Pleasure. Anything you do comes down to at least one of those three things. This does not always mean that these are bad things. If you do something out fear that feeds someone else’s greed and pleasure than that could be considered a good thing.  Taking a deep dive into the movie there will be spoilers.

    Two astronomers discover the comet, and when they realize that this very large object is going to hit the Earth, they decide to report it to the proper authorities. They do this because they do not want to die and do not have the resources to stop it themselves. The head of NASA does not believe them and does not understand the science behind the report. The head of planetary defense does believe them and stands behind them because he does not want to die either. The President is motivated by greed and pleasure holds on to the news for a better time and dismisses the report as something less than what it is because she does not respect the credentials of the source. When the time comes to deal with the problem it is politicized and used for political capital. The resolution is to send up nuclear warheads to divert the path of the comet. They hold rallies to generate political support and prop up a hero that is unnecessary because the safest way to do the job is remotely.  On the day of the launch, after all the fanfare up to that point. The mission is aborted just after launch because the primary provider of campaign funds tells the president to cancel because he wants to mine the comet for minerals. Because of his money and resources, anyone that examines his plan to carefully, or points out that there will still be disaster level death and destruction are blackballed from their industries or mysteriously disappear. His plans go awry of course.

    This is a great satire that exposes many of the weaknesses in our society. It magnifies the motivations of those in power. The effect of social media on our culture.  The lack of respect that our society has on science. The effects of the gaps in wealth and class. I recommend watching it and discussing the subjects it brings up. I also recommend watching it past the credits for a piece of satisfying karma.  One last thing, Every disaster movie starts with those in authority not listening to those in science.

Swing and a miss

 

So, I totally blew my First occasion paper. Every one else in the class shared some very personal or deep stories about themselves I wrote a bad movie review. I think I totally misread the room. I am listening to the stories and occasions my classmates are talking about, and I shudder. The young women around me in this class are very open at least on paper. Listening to some of their papers felt intrusive. Some of the topics have a bravery that I would like to think I have but was never tested. they also so come from very different places. I feel unconnected by age and gender in this class like there is no one I can look at and nod at with shared experience.  I know my nature and as a parent and guardian I want to help, discuss, support, but I know that is an intrusion as well. So here I am, the older male in a room full of young women I do not know personally, feeling the need to defend my gender. I know the last thing any of them need is a heroic male figure to save them.

 The next paper will be better. I think I kept it light because I do not feel comfortable sharing things about myself and who I am with people I do not know well. I do not seem trusting these days. I don’t know why. There are so many things that I could have wrote about. My issues with time and why I never feel I have enough of it. why I joined the army and my tribe. What it’s like being a dad with an adult child and how to feel pride and disappointment all at the same time. I can talk about my addiction to roleplaying and how it helped and hindered my education and gave me family. So many things. I should write the next paper on why I came back to school, what I get out of it, and how I feel about being in classes with kids that grew up with the internet and never had to make a mix tape off the radio.

 High point of the day: having a few good conversations with my manager, my instructor, and my wife throughout the day. 

Low point of the day: Realizing that not only do I have no ambition, I have no idea how to get it.

What I learned: I think I never lost my addiction to Role-Playing Games.